My Uncle Eddie and Fe went downtown to watch a movie when we came back, leaving me as the master of the remote control. I watched the rest of the English Premiership games in a lazyboy chair while doing a bit of facebooking and paddpowering! I could see the attraction in my Uncle Eddie and my Da—with horses thrown in for good measure—spending their days like this. It's a very alpha male way to spend a day, but they're both married so you can't really. Plus I'd lose interest soon enough anyway and wanna do something else. I also tried to play the guitar and sing a little, which I could do so fairly loudly, so that was good apart from the fact that I inadvertently destroyed my capo! Was karma repaying me though because I was dishing out a facebook slagging at the time!
My Aunt Margaret phoned, which was quite brilliantly displayed as called ID on the bottom of the TV screen, a lazy man's dream because it lets you make the decision as to whether or not to reach for the phone—an agonising task for a settled man. Of course my Aunt Margaret is my Godmother so I was definitely gonna answer it! I was staying at her place over the weekend so I could go out clubbing—dancing, not animal cruelty—with my cousin Sarah. Chucked all my stuff in a small suitcase, kilt obviously, and waited for her arrival. Was really pleased to see her too, like I was with my Uncle Eddie and my Uncle Brian. There's a myriad of intercine family disputes but I try to stand back from them and maintain good relations with all my family members. In my opinion, it takes too much energy to carry the baggage of hatred, bitterness and anger around with you. Everyone has their faults—I know I do—but with family, you have to, more or less, just accept them.
We travelled out to Square One (pictured below), a gigantic shopping mall in Mississauga, where my cousin Sarah works as a hair stylist. Caught a brief glimpse of her with her plastic gloves on—obviously colouring some broad's hair. I keep forgetting how small she is, a veritable shortarse! She said that she'd be done by six, so we had to wander around the place like a couple of high-brow mallrats—great film as it happens! Sarah took over at the wheel to drive us somewhere for dinner and the bickering between her and her Mum started. It's kinda funny actually, they both have similar traits, although I doubt that they'd admit it, they argue like sisters almost. All this is done while in full control of their fags, like Patti and Selma from The Simpsons a little! We went to a place called Moxies for some food. Appetizers were crab cakes (good), calamari (freezing cold), fries (decent) and chicken tenders (good). Washed down with a pitcher of Coors for me and the wee yin and two glasses of wine for Aunt Margaret. Oh and also a spectacular dessert—which Canadians do very well as a rule—a white chocolate brownie with ice cream, which was simply sublime! Halloween is a serious business over here, even in this restaurant the waitresses were in costume. Sarah's work was the same, there was one girl dressed as Alice in Wonderland and by God, Alice looked like she'd developed somewhat!
Got ready to head out almost as soon as we got back, after a short detour to pick up a quarter bottle of vodka for me and Sarah and an industrial sized bottle of wine for my Aunt Margaret. Sarah later confided in me that she thinks her mum has a drink problem and even suggested that she's drinking the money she gives her to help her with the mortgage, which is worrying if true. To be honest they both had financial and other complaints about one another, dunno who's version of events is the correct one, but I am a little worried for my Aunt Margaret if she is becoming alcohol-dependent. I do know that sometimes if you're out of work and don't have a regular routine, you can end up turning to vice.
Sarah's boyfriend came to pick us up. He was a Portuguese-Canadian fella called Artur and he seemed every inch the MTV stereotype of a young, white, North American male: Diamond earring, baseball cap, shite music blaring out from a car that stank strongly of weed and from the bizarre way he was driving I was kinda reconsidering getting in the car with him. His patter was pretty awful too, but my cousin seemed to like him so I tried to give him a chance. During this car drive from hell, I was trying to eject a booger and when I did so I had nowhere to put it. I decided, in part because of this car ride with the audio monoxide it was entailing, to rid myself of it on the car's upholstery. At another of Sarah's friend's condominium, we were introduced to Batman and Robin and for the one and only time, I preferred the latter to the former—the latter being a fairly buxom blonde (similar attire pictured below). I was also introduced to a rather over-friendly boxer dog, who had a worrying attraction to my crotch area. I was pretty happy when it was put in its cage—the dog that is.
The club in Mississauga was called My Apartment (pictured below) and was pretty busy—there was a queue outside full of folk in costume. I usually hate queues but this one was at least colourful and entertaining. Super Mario was a little pissed off when we jumped the queue! Inside, it was decent, packed full of people dressed up as superheroes, the wee creepy guy from Saw, Homer Simpson, Borat and a whole host of others, including two idiots with massively inferior kilts dressed as, I guess, Fat Bastard from Austin Powers or perhaps just Scotsmen! The drinks were a lot cheaper than I expected too so we all had a heady mix of bourbon, jaegerbombs and beer too. I got a bit bored with Batman pawing Robin and worse still Artur feeling up my cousin so I did a bit of circling. I was actually surprised at the amount of couples that were in the club, back home it's much more of a meet-market. There was also no real dancefloor, which I wasn't too keen on. I like defined areas in a nightclub, not because I'm a fantastic buster of moves or anything but just because I'd like to know where to get on down if there is one. We left relatively early for a night out, 2am or so, though in fairness, Sarah was falling asleep. I wasn't overly happy about having to get into a car driven by a guy who was clearly over the alcohol limit and perhaps topped up with recreational drugs, but I was in the middle of nowhere, didn't have my Aunt Margaret's address and wouldn't have gotten much sense outta Sarah, so I just had to grin and bear it. Mercifully I got back home unscathed. For some bizarre reason too I had acquired a Devil's fork. Fucked if I know where I got that from!
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